Zorgrot Speaks

Secret Boors - Vol. I

2007-08-03T06:19:00.000-03:00

I have been on an extended intelligence gathering mission, my earthling friends, but I have now returned, just in time to launch my new Reality TV series, Secret Boors, about one of the humans I have become aware of during my time on your planet.

His name? Kal Korff, a man who is apparently a Colonel in some super-secret agent group (I don't write this stuff, people - I just report it).

Oh... my... Valdegrat!

And I thought some of the humans I met in Roswell were weird.

More to come, as I see fit... although for your sake as a planet and species, I will not be including any material from Secret Boors in my reports back to my homeworld.

Zorgrot
Rear Admiral

Exploratory Mission No. 7 - Report #1

2006-05-29T00:17:00.000-03:00

I have just returned from an exploratory mission in the country you Earthpeople call the United States of America. I was traveling with filmmakers Paul Kimball and Findlay Muir, and, for part of the time, with their new sidekick, Mac Tonnies.

Here is a photo of Earthman Tonnies and I at a place called Newport Beach, California.

I was hopeful that I might run acrosss earthwoman Carmen Electra while there, but no such luck.

Still, this Newport Beach was quite impressive. Like the Majestic-12 saga, it seemed never-ending. Unlike the Majestic-12 saga, however, it was definitely real.

Z.

Endorsement of Paul Hellyer

2006-01-31T22:45:00.000-04:00

Normally I do not involve myself in Earth politics (I'm too busy exploring). However, I am going to make an exception at this time, given recent events, which I have been monitoring from my base.

It has come to my attention that Paul Hellyer, who has taken a very enlightened attitude towards dealing with we extraterrestrials, is being urged to enter the "leadership race" of the Liberal Party in the administrative region (or, as Earthpeople would say, country) you call Canada.

Now, I admit to being a bit fuzzy on the details of all of this - on my planet, our leaders are chosen by an entirely different method (which is, of course, classified). Still, from what I can tell, if the Earthman Hellyer enters and wins this campaign, he could become the Prime Minister of Canada, which would make him an Earthperson of some importance and influence.

Given his stance against the employment of space-based weapons, which could defend you from alien attack (er... not that we are planning any attack, of course), and his view that all aliens are peaceful (of course we are - as I tell everyone, I Come in Peace!), I offer, on behalf of my world, the following endorsement:

Vote Hellyer.

Now, back to exploring.

Zorgrot,
Rear Admiral

P.S. I've been promoted again!

UFO Planet

2005-09-22T19:19:00.000-03:00

As part of my ongoing anthropological survey of your planet, I have decided to join what is known, apparently, as a "chat group." Above you can see my profile from UFO Planet (which can be found on your Internet at www.ufo-planet.net), where I am now a member.

Earthlings at UFO Planet seem like nice creatures, and more intelligent than most of the Earthlings I have observed on the Internet since I arrived.

You may interact with me there, as I embark on Phase 2 of my mission.

Zorgrot

I Have Returned

2005-08-04T01:08:00.000-03:00

I have just returned from an extended exploratory mission throughout the United States of America (that's me below, with two of Cedar Rapids' finest citizens not named Kevin Randle), and am eager to share some of my findings with you.

For example, while I've been on your planet, and keeping an eye on those who study what you call "The UFO Phenomenon," I've noticed that most "Ufologists" bemoan the lack of serious scientific study given to UFOs.

As they whistle on Baxiclar Prime, "be careful what you wish for."

While in the Southwest, I discovered that the University of Utah takes the question of ET life very seriously. They even offer a course in the subject.

Physics 1490 - Does ET Exist?

Despite being mildly offended by the title of the course, I decided to look into it.

Some of the areas of study?

1. What is the universe?
2. What is life?
3. How do we define intelligent life? [Z. note - your standards are a lot less rigorous than mine]
4. How strange can life be? [Z. note - you have NO idea]
5. Are ETs likely to be plentiful?
6. Is it possible to travel to other solar systems (a class is even held on relativity and UFOs)?
7. If ET exists, then where is she? [Z. note - HE is RIGHT HERE!]

Seems like good news for Ufologists, oui? [Z. note - I picked up some French-language knowledge while in Louisiana]

Non.

The text for the course?

Life in the Universe by Bennett, SHOSTAK and Jakosky.

The text for the term paper?

Contact by Carl Sagan.

Uh oh.

The real clue as to the nature of the course comes with the final two questions listed for discussion:

1. Should we search for ET and if so, how?
2. What is SETI?

My answers?

1. Get out into space yourself. We're waiting for you!
2. Earthman Friedman has it right - Silly Effort to Investigate.

For more information on the course see www.physics.utah.edu/~cassiday/p1490.syllabus1490.html.

Oh well, ufologists. Better luck next time.

For my part, I can only say - good to be back!

Zorgrot,
Commander
(I've been promoted!!)

P.S. I come in peace... honest.

Y and Z - More Than Just the Last Two Letters of the Alphabet

2005-05-27T01:53:00.000-03:00

I'm currently on the road "exploring" (hehehe) but I had to note briefly that it's good to see my old pal, Yoda, getting the attention he deserves from you Earthpeople.

He and I used to have quite a little thing going on Denzibar Prime, as tag team anti-grav grapplers (your WWE "superstars" haven't got a clue as to what real wrestling is all about).

The crowd would go nuts when he dropped his walking stick and whipped out that lightsaber of his.

Our best match was against a couple of Wookies, oh, must have been over 100 of your years ago. As you Earthpeople might say, it had a "David and Goliath" angle that was irresistible. The afterparty was pretty cool too - those Wookies sure can pound back the ale.

Anyway, it's great to see Y. is in movies now. I may look him up...

Z.

P.S. The galaxy wasn't that far away, and it wasn't all that long ago. FYI.

Stanton Friedman - Flying Saucer Physicist, or Psycho Killer?

2005-05-14T18:50:00.000-03:00

Two questions:

1. What is in the trunk?

2. Why is Earthman Friedman laughing?

Just curious.

Z.

Jung's Dung

2005-05-12T21:53:00.000-03:00

Not to be rude, but I just finished reading this book by C. G. Jung, supposedly one of your great thinkers (as Earthman Reynolds might describe him), and all I can say is...

"Is that it?"

After pages and pages of psychobabble about the UFO phenomenon (I think), we get to Earth-"genius" Jung's ultimate conclusion:

"I have formulated the position I take on the question of the reality of Ufos in the following sentence: 'Something is seen, but it isn't known what.'"

Well, d'uh...

From what I can tell, there seems to be a very fine line between Earthman Jung, and those other great "thinkers," Earthman Springer and Earthwoman Oprah.

Sheesh...

Next time Earthman Kimball recommends a book to me, it better have something more to say than this piffle!

If this is the best you Earthpeople have to offer, you're in real trouble.

Thank Valdergrat for Carmen...

Z.

Ambassador Electra

2005-05-12T20:40:00.000-03:00

Attention, Exopoliticians:

You'll get a lot further with the public (and we ETs) if you sign up Carmen Electra as Earth's ambassador to Extraterrestrials.

Just a friendly piece of advice. Let me know if you work it out.

Z.

Observational Methodology, Vol. I

2005-05-12T16:26:00.000-03:00

Hehehehe...

Thanks to my Sub-Atomic Particle Transporter, I am able to "pop" in and out wherever and whenever I want.

Perhaps I'm watching you right now...

Z.

My Terran Photo Album, Vol. IV

2005-05-12T00:36:00.000-03:00

Ahh... this place you call Arizona is indeed impressive.

Z.

Speaking of Kang & Kodos...

2005-05-12T00:31:00.000-03:00

Memo to Scoop Jupiter:

Here are the guys you should really be worried about!

Not even I have a Kirgilian Z 3000 Oxygenated Planet Destroyer!!

Z.

She beats Kang & Kodos

2005-05-12T00:01:00.000-03:00

You humans are screwy.

You put someone like Earthman Bush (or Clinton, for that matter) in charge, when instead you should be elevating humans like Earthwoman Electra (below) to your highest offices.

No wonder you have not yet discovered the truth behind the UFO phenomenon!

Z.

Shockingly Close to the Truth

2005-05-11T23:27:00.000-03:00

This Earthman Moseley quacks me up (but in a good way, unlike Earthman Menzel). His book, co-authored with Karl Pflock, my favourite MJ-12 member, is indeed shockingly close to the truth, at least in some respects.

For example, Earthman Moseley deserves credit for helping to expose Earthman Adamski and his pals as con men. News flash for anyone who still believes Adamski (or Billy Meier, for the matter) were contacted by we "extraterrestrials."

Never happened.

Why?

Because they were ugly. Do you think we would come all the way here, at great risk to ourselves, just to talk to chump chimps like them?

Ha! We would have to be quackers (incidentally, this also explains why we have yet to communicate with your Earth politicians - contact me when you elect Carmen Electra as President).

They were losers then, and anyone who still believes in them is a loser now.

Sheesh...

So, thanks Earthman Moseley, for helping to set the record Straith (er, straight). As a result of your service, I will overlook the fact that you refer to yourself as the "Supreme Commander."

I know you're just kidding.

At least, you had better be!

Z.

My Terran Photo Album, Vol. III

2005-05-10T22:40:00.000-03:00

The Earthwoman Linda Wood and I getting what you humans call our "kicks" on Route 66 (what a cutie like her is doing with that Kimball Earthman is beyond me) .

I believe this photo was taken in a small town called Williams, Arizona, which is close to your Grand Canyon - a truly impressive sight, even to an interplanetary traveler such as myself.

Z.

Inconvenient Facts and the EMTs

2005-05-10T17:04:00.000-03:00

Rumours abound that I had something to do with the disappearance of an EMT crew that rescued me after I crashed on this planet.

This was a joke (ha ha) first started by Earthman Kimball.

In truth, my ship is safely stowed here on your little mudball planet.

As for the EMTs, I was simply researching your emergency response capabilities, as part of my exploratory mission here to Earth, as can be seen in the photo below.

Don't believe everything you read - especially if it comes from that interplanetary paparazzi, Scoop Jupiter, or my pal, Paul Kimball, who, if he was half as funny as he thinks he is, would be positively hilarious.

Z.

My Terran Photo Album, Vol. II

2005-05-10T16:14:00.000-03:00

Oooh... Mr. "Big Time Filmmaker" and yours truly at the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge, outside Taos, New Mexico, 2004.

Our picture is taken next to the sign because the intrepid, truth-seeking Earthman Kimball was too much of a coward to venture out onto the bridge!

Z.

Zorgrot's Reviews, Vol. I

2005-05-09T19:34:00.000-03:00

This guy Clark worries me (just as quackos like Menzel should worry you humans).

His research is solid, his writing is interesting, and the conclusions he comes to are reasoned and reasonable. If people were to read his books, they might actually learn something.

I particularly liked his inclusion of the RB-47 case. You humans spend so much time talking about Roswell, you overlook the really good cases (fortunately for us).

I'll have to keep an eye on him...

Z.

The New Frontier

2005-05-08T19:24:00.000-03:00

My superiors sent me into space to discover new frontiers. My favourite so far is the New Frontier in Las Vegas, Nevada - so long as you're staying in the Atrium Tower. They have Wednesday night mud wrestling, and mechanical bull rides. Sure beats getting stuck in a wormhole!

Z.

Crash at Corona

2005-05-07T18:13:00.000-03:00

Hmm... This form of liquid refreshment is most intriguing.

Perhaps there is hope for this planet, after all!

Z.

Donald "Duck" Menzel - UFO Quack

2005-05-07T17:50:00.000-03:00

The Definitive Explanation of the UFO Phenomenon?

Hahahahahahaha...

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude, but...

Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

I can't help it - this Earthman Menzel was a bigger quack than I am!!!

Z.

My Terran Photo Album, Vol. I

2005-05-06T19:36:00.000-03:00

Me, exploring northern New Mexico, 2003. This was soon after my, er, arrival on earth - I swear, if I ever (a) get off this miserable mud ball planet, and (b) get my wings on the mechanic who prepped my ship, I'll throttle him.

Anyway, I liked New Mexico. The cows were tasty - fresh from the fields.

Mmmm...

Z.

Alpha

2005-05-06T19:16:00.000-03:00

And so it begins...

Z.